Late Night Caller

A Jingle plays: Cain’t git enough o’ those
                        Flame-broiled buffalos
                       Come on down & git you some
                       At Buffalo Pete’s Burger Emporium
Bob: Oo-wee, that’s good eatin’, friends. I had a double-buff with all the fixin’s for lunch today, and I gotta tell ya, I thought I’d died and went to burger heaven. Welcome back to “Plains Talk” here on kaysoo, K-S-O-O Sioux Falls, South Dakota. I’m your host, Bob Bluth, the man with the truth, and we’ve been talking on tonight’s show about the End Times. Now, as we know, most Bible scholars are of the opinion that the Second Coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ, as foretold in the Good Book, is imminent, and that the Antichrist has already been born and is walking this earth among as we speak. Friends, I don’t know about you, but that’s a fact that I find both terrifying and exciting—that we’ll be witness to the most monumental event in mankind’s long long history.
    Whatd’ya say we open up the phone lines and hear what our kaysoo listeners have to say about all this. Call the Plains Talk hotline at 703-1900, that’s 703-1900 and let us know how you’re dealing with the End of Days.  I see our first call is coming in…Helloo, you’re on KSOO!
Caller: Hello.
Bob: Caller, you’re pretty faint—could you speak up a little please?
Caller: Hello.
Bob: That’s a little better! What’s you’re name, caller?
Caller: Gary.
Bob:  Gary! What’s on your mind, Gary?
Caller: I’m him.
Bob:  You’re him? Who’s him?

Caller: The Antichrist
Bob: Heh-heh, you’re Gary the Antichrist! I see. Tell us, Gary, what makes you think that you’re the Antichrist?
Caller:  Well, for one, I have six toes on each foot.
Bob:  I’ve got to admit, Gary, that’s a little odd, but I can see examples of extra digits and limbs at the county fair. It’s not really a sign of demonic possession or anything. What else ya got?
Caller:  Well, I’ve never liked going to church.
Bob:  Sorry to say, my friend, but that can be said about a lot of people—too many if you ask me. What’s your family think about all this Antichrist talk?
Caller: I don’t have any family. My dad ran off when I was nine and my mom died in an accident a few years ago. No siblings, no wife.
Bob: I think I get the picture…a lonely guy living all by himself in the middle of nowhere—a man’s imagination can run a little wild and…
Caller:  I can do things.
Bob: Do things?  What kind of things?
Caller: Make things happen. I don’t like know-it-alls and people who try to tell me how to run my life. Like my mom. She thought she knew everything and one day she had a nasty run-in with a threshing machine.
Bob:  That’s pretty creepy, Gary. You’re saying you believe that you caused the accident? You must feel a huge burden of guilt.
Caller: Not really, I feel unburdened since the incident, if anything. Jesus seems like another know-it-all who tells people how to live, so I’m against him, too. Antichrist, see?
Bob: Uh, yeah, I- I see.
Caller: And remember last year when that girl was killed in a car crash out on route 44?
Bob: Sure I do; it was big news around here. She was driving home from a Grange dance. Rosie something.
Caller: That’s right, Rosie Denton. She laughed at me when I asked her to dance that night. I know I’m not the greatest looking guy and I guess I move a little awkwardly ‘cuz of my, you know, twelve toes & all. But she didn’t have to embarrass me like that.
Bob: Y’know, Gary, I think that that was a weird, sad coincidence and that maybe you should consider looking into some professional help. But thank you for sharing your thoughts with us this evening—it’s time to take another call. Let’s see who’s on line two. (click) Hello, welcome to “Plains Talk”, caller.
Caller: Hello, Bob, it’s Gary. You didn’t think you could get rid of me with the push of a button did you? “Bob Bluth, the man with the truth”—isn’t that what you call yourself? Sounds like something a know-it-all would say. You said that I need professional help. Broadcast to everybody out there that Gary’s crazy. That’s very embarrassing. Why would you want to embarrass the Antichrist, Bob?
KSOO is the little cinderblock building way out on Hitchcock Road isn’t it? Isn’t it, Bob? Bob?
The jingle plays: Cain’t git enough o’ those
                          Flame-broiled buffalos
                         Come on down & git you some
                         At Buffalo Pete’s Burger Emporium
   Then dead air.